It is so beautiful outside here, right now, and often. I love that. I'm currently sitting outside on a balcony at USC's campus while Add is in class. I love that, too. It is a beautiful and peaceful campus, especially in the evening. A medium amount of breeze always makes me feel more alive and connected to God in a way in life, (well, most nature-y experiences do, but I especially like breezes, and trees, and leaves) and there is currently one whisping about.
I do love trees. Oh how I love them. I think I could hide beneath them, wrapped up in a blanket of grassy foliage, surrounded by trunks and with nothing to look up at but a canopy of leafy branches and be perfectly contentedly peaceful.
I find that I really can love a lot of things. I am good at finding a way to enjoy nearly anything.
I also find that I can be really frustrated. Sometimes I feel really trapped, and utterly hopeless. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so complex, if I am too complex, or if everyone is as multidimensional and confused.
I think I understand the over arching themes of my life and my general trajectory. But it's all the little things. It's all the small details- it's all the times I have been so convinced about my point of view about something one way, and then, perhaps a year or more later, I find myself completely sympathizing with the other point of view. It's all the times I can't forget certain things I have experienced, and can't figure out why, and all the times I have come across something that I had completely forgotten about in my past, that was an extremely huge deal to me at the time, and I wonder how it is possible that I am at all the same person that had that experience, because how could I not remember that?
So what is it to be human? What is the culmination of all these life experiences and the comings and goings of people- I have experienced so much of that, too- I can tell you years of my life based on the friends I had at the time. Sometimes it feels like the rotation of a revolving door- and like I am just standing watching it go round, and people get on it, and I see them for a moment when reach the opening where I am standing, but the don't get off there. Instead they go full circle and back out the way they came. It's fun and entertaining sometimes, and sometimes I like it because it keeps things fresh and new, and sometimes I don't even notice, or I just don't make anything significant of it. But I don't like it, sometimes, too. Sometimes, I really just don't like it at all.
So I guess I'm just here thinking, and mulling, and being curious. I hope someone else does this. I hope someone else can relate. Cause really I find myself here a lot. Anyone?
