I have been seeking purpose and trajectory in life for several years. Often it has been born out of a sense of guilt I think, as if there is no way God could possibly be pleased with me in current circumstances. And I hate that. To think the only person it really matters what they think of me, the one I should want to please more than anything, sees me as a disappointment.
I want to do something great. Not necessarily in the eyes of the world, but to feel that I'm living up to my potential and fully utilizing God's intentions and purposes for me. I've felt trapped from being able to do this for so, long. Like every time I get an idea or think I know what he would want me to do to please him there becomes a barrier, and no matter how hard I bang my fist, kick and clench my teeth, I'm stuck behind some formidable wall, staring up, wondering why I can't climb it. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not pray long enough? Was it really the wrong direction, because it's the only one I've been able to find for months!
I've started thinking about all the things I do have to be doing, though. And have realized how incredibly unfaithful I can be even with those. I mean, if I just poured myself into the different things I already have going on in my life, I would be so incredibly exhausted, and would be very glad to not have something more I needed to do, too. There are so many opportunities I can think of that God has laid out before me in the past that I totally and completely glossed over entirely. As I recognize them now, I can't even think of ways they could have been more obvious.
So I'm learning to be faithful with little. It really is like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "
And yet at the same time, when I think about it, the "small things" that I already do have before me, they really are not small things at all. And I feel very purposeful and life-full and excited at letting myself focus and work harder them.
So I think it's both. I think there are a lot of little things I could be so much more diligent with, and I'm very thankful to God for the realization of that. And I think there are a lot of things, that are not necessarily so small, that I already have going on and need to rejoice in and take up with pride and joy. I'm not called to be everything. And I'm not called to impress everyone. I'm simply called to do the work that is set out before me.
And I'm very pleased to say, that it is work I am very, very glad to be doing.
