I have been seeking purpose and trajectory in life for several years. Often it has been born out of a sense of guilt I think, as if there is no way God could possibly be pleased with me in current circumstances. And I hate that. To think the only person it really matters what they think of me, the one I should want to please more than anything, sees me as a disappointment.
I want to do something great. Not necessarily in the eyes of the world, but to feel that I'm living up to my potential and fully utilizing God's intentions and purposes for me. I've felt trapped from being able to do this for so, long. Like every time I get an idea or think I know what he would want me to do to please him there becomes a barrier, and no matter how hard I bang my fist, kick and clench my teeth, I'm stuck behind some formidable wall, staring up, wondering why I can't climb it. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not pray long enough? Was it really the wrong direction, because it's the only one I've been able to find for months!
I've started thinking about all the things I do have to be doing, though. And have realized how incredibly unfaithful I can be even with those. I mean, if I just poured myself into the different things I already have going on in my life, I would be so incredibly exhausted, and would be very glad to not have something more I needed to do, too. There are so many opportunities I can think of that God has laid out before me in the past that I totally and completely glossed over entirely. As I recognize them now, I can't even think of ways they could have been more obvious.
So I'm learning to be faithful with little. It really is like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "
And yet at the same time, when I think about it, the "small things" that I already do have before me, they really are not small things at all. And I feel very purposeful and life-full and excited at letting myself focus and work harder them.
So I think it's both. I think there are a lot of little things I could be so much more diligent with, and I'm very thankful to God for the realization of that. And I think there are a lot of things, that are not necessarily so small, that I already have going on and need to rejoice in and take up with pride and joy. I'm not called to be everything. And I'm not called to impress everyone. I'm simply called to do the work that is set out before me.
And I'm very pleased to say, that it is work I am very, very glad to be doing.
You're walk with God and intentions to focus on what He wants you to do has always been something I have admired about you.
ReplyDeleteI like that you reflected on the fact that you are "not called to be everything. Not called to impress everyone. But you are simply called to do the work that is set out before you". When you can focus on what is in front of you rather than the distractions of satisfying or impressing others, I think that is when you are truly after God's heart instead of the heart of the world.
Keep it up, I love you.
Thank you for your words!
ReplyDeleteSomething Addison has been quoting from a book he read that is a long those lines is the idea that, you are the only one that has the burdens you carry. In other words, no one else is responsible for the purposes God gives you. You have to be the one to take hold of those purposes and work at them whether or not the people around you get it. They don't carry the same burden as you, so they might not always get it. But you are still responsible for what you are responsible for before God. I love you! I'm glad that you had a response to this. It's always nice to know when someone else connects to what you have on your mind : ).
Lideyah,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honest reflections. I appreciate your desire to live into the full life God intends you to experience. The Gospel of John tells us that life is found not in categories of doing but of being. "This is real life that you may know God and Jesus Christ whom he has sent." Perhaps we should think more about being with Jesus in whatever tasks are before us. Brother Lawrence claimed to come to know and experience God even in picking up sticks (as well as in celebrating the Eucharist).
I think you are on to something when you share about learning to do the "small things". I believe when out of thankful hearts we do the "small things" with the strength God supplies our lives discover purpose and meaning because we encounter Jesus in those small things. Do less and be more.