I think our world has a sort of love-sickness

I want  more people to live freely.

 I'm tired of  there being people that for one reason or another,  have fallen into obsessing  so much about how they are perceived and what others will think of them,  that in effect, they spend most of their time performing or acting to fulfill a role that they think others will find pleasing, instead of just letting themselves be who they are. They've learned through harsh circumstances or cultural cues perhaps that it's easier to fit into a mold that is acceptable, understandable, and simple to explain. I'm not meaning to target primarily people that never outgrew their high-school drama at this time, though, they may certainly be subject to this-  but about those who fundamentally see the world as something that decided at some point to cast upon them it's darkest shadow, and never again allow them to see the warmth of it's light in their true form. I wonder if such people have through time and experience
 lost some of the ability to really, truly, know who they are objectively, deep down at their core, away from all the culture, media, peers and pressures- which I find to be a deeply unsettling thought.

  Where does it all begin? Yes, people can be rude, brutally mean, and even cruel to one another. We can wound permanently with words, and turn deaf ears and eyes on things that should deserve our utmost attention and concern. Unfortunately, we really can devastate one another with the things we choose to say and do, or lack there of, sometimes.

But what about all the really good moments? What about the laughter of best friends, a mother's love and tenderness for her child, the goodness of a gentle breeze on a warm, sunny day? What about that stranger's not fake, but really, truly genuine greeting as you passed them on the sidewalk? At what point does a person experience so much of what feels like the world not loving them, that they are incapable of loving, knowing, accepting, and being themself in it?

I think our world has a sort of love-sickness going around. Not that the people that have it don't know that they are loved by someone, but that they view the general nature of the world at large to be always against them. That all the doors have been closed- that everything and everyone inherently and constantly has turned their back, and made their shoulders cold.

Please, open up.  Let yourself be warm and free.

 People can be cynical. People can be sarcastic and judge-mental. And oh yes, I have had plenty of experiences with that myself, believe me. My trust issues are innumerable, and my aches have deep roots.

But they can't keep you from being you.


 No,  it's just you doing that all by yourself.


And trust me, it's time to be free. It's so worth it. And it's much, much, better.


And, just as a side note, there actually are a lot of really great, really loving people in the world, and there really is so, so much opportunity, and so much potential. The world is not against you.  Sadly, you might just keep hearing the voices of the few people that you think are ( and even they might not be really), and have slipped into becoming one of them yourself.

Virtuousness, or lonliness? And wait, since when did I have a problem with being lonely??

Maybe someone can relate, I'm not sure.

I've had this really weird issue in my soul lately. I'm sure it's just a season.



         Maybe a newly married, newly moved away from most things I grew up with season?

I'll start by giving a little preface. I have always been a very independent person- enjoying doing things alone and in my own way, and not only enjoying, but often needing deeply to have my own space. Lots of it. Sometimes even several days of it.

I loved delving deep into my soul, where only God and myself resided, and resting, thinking, creating, and being. I spent a lot of time reflecting on who I was, who I thought God intended me to be, and what I should do about the difference.

I lived a fairly guarded life- I had many friends, many good friends, who I often shared deep parts of myself with, but most of whom, I also left veiled from ever being exposed wholly, to the deepest parts of my heart, of the deepest parts of who I was, when I delved into my own reality.

For me, I do not wish I had done things any different. I believe my motives were pure, and based on ideas that I still believe are true for me, for the type of person that I am.  For one, I felt my times spent with God were sacred, and that having exclusive time, just between myself and him, was essential for my own sense of identity and purpose in life, and for having a firm foundation, a sense of reliability and hope that could never be taken away from me. Not that I didn't share in spirituality with others in life, but that I definitely wanted there to be times when I could just be alone, with God, and with never having to share what happened in those times.

I think I ultimately saw this as a way of guarding my heart. A lot of things for me were about guarding my heart. I didn't want to share my deepest moments of who I was, and what my relationship with God was like, when I didn't know what they were going to do with such things.


So what's happening now?

In the last month or so, I have had this really strange anxiety. I have had it in small amounts before, and Add and I have talked about it and found ways to get over it, but lately it has felt completely overwhelming.

Here's the gist of it. I've been having this weird disabling fear of spending time along with God, because I am afraid I will feel truly alone- which, I am confused as to when that became a problem?

 I think somewhere in the whole being married thing, and fully exposing yourself to another person, and wanting them to really know you and be one with you, my pleasure of aloneness with God turned to fear of broken unification with Addison. This feeling that God will do something with me, that Addison can't be a part of. And somehow, now, that makes me fear that I will be terribly lonely.



Lastly, there's this thing of being fully honest and known by sharing my true feelings and thoughts, vs. censoring them. Obviously censoring is necessary as we are very broken people with broken emotions and thoughts, but sometimes I feel un-genuine if I hold my tongue, and just try to be patient, because then again, I feel like Addison won't really be knowing me.

A new kind of Fall- and some fairly average ponderings.

It is so beautiful outside here, right now, and often. I love that.  I'm currently sitting outside on a balcony at USC's campus while Add is in class. I love that, too. It is a beautiful and peaceful campus, especially in the evening.  A medium amount of breeze always makes me feel more alive and connected to God in a way in life, (well, most nature-y experiences do, but I especially like breezes, and trees, and leaves) and there is currently one whisping about.

I do love trees. Oh how I love them. I think I could hide beneath them, wrapped up in a blanket of grassy foliage, surrounded by trunks and with nothing to look up at but a canopy of leafy branches and be perfectly contentedly peaceful.

I find that I really can love a lot of things. I am good at finding a way to enjoy nearly anything.

I also find that I can be really frustrated. Sometimes I feel really trapped, and utterly hopeless. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so complex, if I am too complex, or if everyone is as multidimensional and confused.

I think I understand the over arching themes of my life and my general trajectory. But it's all the little things. It's all the small details- it's all the times I have been so convinced about my point of view about something one way, and then, perhaps a year or more later, I find myself completely sympathizing with the other point of view. It's all the times I can't forget certain things I have experienced, and can't figure out why, and all the times I have come across something that I had completely forgotten about in my past, that was an extremely huge deal to me at the time, and I wonder how it is possible that I am at all the same person that had that experience, because how could I not remember that?

So what is it to be human? What is the culmination of all these life experiences and the comings and goings of people- I have experienced so much of that, too- I can tell you years of my life based on the friends I had at the time. Sometimes it feels like the rotation of a revolving door- and like I am just standing watching it go round, and people get on it, and I see them for a moment when reach the opening where I am standing, but the don't get off there. Instead they go full circle and back out the way they came. It's fun and entertaining sometimes, and sometimes I like it because it keeps things fresh and new, and sometimes I don't even notice, or I just don't make anything significant of it.  But I don't like it, sometimes, too. Sometimes, I really just don't like it at all.

So I guess I'm just here thinking, and mulling, and being curious. I hope someone else does this. I hope someone else can relate. Cause really I find myself here a lot.  Anyone?

It's like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "

  I have been seeking purpose and trajectory in life for several years. Often it has been born out of a sense of guilt I think, as if there is no way God could possibly be pleased with me in current circumstances. And I hate that. To think the only person it really matters what they think of me, the one I should want  to please more than anything, sees me as a disappointment.

  I want to do something great. Not necessarily in the eyes of the world, but to feel that I'm living up to my potential and fully utilizing God's intentions and purposes for me. I've felt trapped from being able to do this for so, long. Like every time I get an idea or think I know what he would want me to do to please him there becomes a barrier, and no matter how hard I bang my fist, kick and clench my teeth, I'm stuck behind some formidable wall, staring up, wondering why I can't climb it. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not pray long enough? Was it really the wrong direction, because it's the only one I've been able to find for months!

  I've started thinking about all the things I do have to be doing, though. And have realized how incredibly unfaithful I can be even with those.  I mean, if I just poured myself into the different things I already have going on in my life, I would be so incredibly exhausted, and would be very glad to not have something more I needed to do, too. There are so many opportunities I can think of that God has laid out before me in the past that I totally and completely glossed over entirely. As I recognize them now, I can't even think of ways they could have been more obvious.

So I'm learning to be faithful with little. It really is like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "

And yet at the same time, when I think about it, the "small things" that I already do have before me,   they really are not small things at all. And I feel very purposeful and life-full and excited at letting myself focus and work harder them.

So I think it's both. I think there are a lot of little things I could be so much more diligent with, and I'm very thankful to God for the realization of that. And I think there are a lot of things, that are not necessarily so small, that I already have going on and need to rejoice in and take up with pride and joy. I'm not called to be everything. And I'm not called to impress everyone. I'm simply called to do the work that is set out before me.

And I'm very pleased to say, that it is work I am very, very glad to be doing.