For my Christ-following lady friends who are not yet married but think they might want to be some day, because I care about you.

Hey Christ-following lady friends- let’s talk about marriage. You know, if it’s something your thinking about, interested in, or curiously considering, I’d like to throw just a few things out there to help your thought processes find something to simmer. I’d like to focus primarily on a passage most likely you are familiar with, Ephesians 5:22-33.

As a reminder, it says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Since I want to talk about wifehood, let’s focus on the parts pertaining to a wife. Because that’s the way life works. If you’re a woman you will be the wife, and have the wife related commands, regardless of what your husband’s commands are, or whether or not he does them. It doesn’t say if your husband is good and nice and makes you happy and does what he’s suppose to do, then you should do what you are called to do. No matter who he is or what he does—if he is your husband, these are your commands as a wife.

Let’s think about what it says to wives. To submit to, and respect your husband, as the church does to Christ. Wow. Do you, get that? How does that make you feel? What do you think about that?

I mean, if I were being honest, I would say that I do not understand at all why God would command such a thing in his word. I totally get submitting to and respecting God, as the church does to Christ, who is holy and perfect and always wise and loving, but to submit to and respect another equally as flawed human being as if they had that same kind of authority?? It makes me feel like something borderline blasphemous is being said here.  But that’s just it. It doesn’t matter what I think, and I don’t have to get it. It’s what I am called to do whether I “get it” or not.  

There is something big and holy and unique about marriage. It’s not just like any other relationship or friendship. If you think you are just continuing a really good friendship for the rest of your life, I promise, it is something way, way bigger than that, and way more dutiful—no matter how that makes you feel.

There are tons of books, articles, blogs, etc. on what the word “submit” means in this passage. If that is concerning to you, feel free to look into it. If you desire to seek God in these matters and live out his plans for a God-following woman in marriage, I think he will help you discern such details.  I’m just simply putting before you what it says. No matter where you land on that, it is my opinion that if it is supposed to be like the way the church submits to Christ, we are talking about something really big here.

I remember before Add and I got married and I used to hear people say things like, “Wait ‘til you get married and find out who your spouse really is” and “once you get married you’ll see all the parts of your spouse, not just the good ones”. I honestly didn’t really know what they were trying to say- that I didn’t know the person I was going to marry? Why would I marry them if I didn’t know them?  All I can really say in regards to such ideas to people who are not yet married is this- your future is just that- future. It hasn’t happened yet. You don’t know it.

 Think about your past- are there things you have experienced that have changed the way you view the world, the type of person you want to be, and the way you think and feel about things? It is my strong opinion that the same will be true for your future, and not just for you two, but for you, personally, or your spouse, personally. Because while you become a permanent “couple”, you are not the same person. There will be things that you experience differently sometimes, or that effect just one or the other of you, and deeply, too. And if you think you will always just get it and understand because you just love them so much and are just such a kind and empathetic person- well, I don’t know how to explain it to you, because there are some things in life that just cannot be explained, you have to experience them- but it is not always that simple and easy.

I have not met, heard, heard of, read, or witnessed a single married couple that has not had difficulties that are like, you know, real, difficult, hard things, that they have had to work through. People who have been married much longer than I have, have told me the same thing.

 You have no way of knowing what you or your spouse will experience in life and how it will affect you, and sure, you’ll “go through it together” and “figure it out”, but, again, I don’t know that I can explain it to you- but you’ll know what I mean when you get to the other side and are married. Blending together two people, even when they both know God, is not simple.  I’m not trying to say there won’t be times when it does work out that way, and things are simple and easy, but I just want to make sure you get that there will be other times, too, and that they are very real. 

People are so, different. No matter how kindred of spirits you are. I would just really encourage you to take a moment to honestly consider the fact that you are actually, two different people, and that really, truly, that is a good and beautiful thing.

 Keep in mind that you are both flawed too, and will do things that you shouldn’t, and often might not even be aware of or mean to do.

So, it is my opinion that, with all these things in mind, the real question isn’t, who should I marry? Is he a good fit? But rather, am I ready to be married? Am I ready to be what God calls me to be as a wife, and submit to another equally as flawed human being, in the same kind of way I submit to God? Because no matter who he is, once you become “wife”, that is going to be part of your calling, similar to the duty of “honor your father and mother” as a child, you will be called to submit to and respect your spouse, for as long as you both live.

 I don’t know why God chose “wife” to be the submitting one in this passage, but there are certainly hardships for both sides, and I don’t see any point in arguing who’s got it worse. Each certainly has quite a bit to live up to. Today I just want you to consider whether or not you’re ready to take up your side, to do what a woman who follows God is called to do, from the day you say “I do”, through forever.

The value of presence

I don't have anything particularly novel to say in this post. All I have is a very simple and honest reflection on the powerful presence of a friend.

I experienced two such moments yesterday, both life giving, and both on the surface, very brief and insignificant seeming. But they were not insignificant.

In one of these moments, I spent time with an old friend from back home, who also lives in this blessed land of sunshine and warmth in winter. We walked around Add's campus and talked for no more than an hour. In the other, the lady we live with returned home after about a month of being out of the country, and it would be untruthful of me to say that I was not very, very encouraged by her presence back in the home we share. We spent an hour or two reconnecting with her at the dining room table last night.

Two small blips in my day. Nothing "significant" or very personal was discussed either time.   My primary focus of the day was not centered around these moments, yet when the day was over,  I found myself reflecting, surprised by the deep capacity they had to make me feel so many different things- hopeful, relaxed, blessed, strong- what blessed and intoxicating air to breathe.

So simply, thank you to my friends, who help encourage me to be who I want to be, who I know I am, who God made me to be- if by nothing more than a few moments of simple, presence. It can have the power sometimes to be nearly inexpressibly delightful.

I think our world has a sort of love-sickness

I want  more people to live freely.

 I'm tired of  there being people that for one reason or another,  have fallen into obsessing  so much about how they are perceived and what others will think of them,  that in effect, they spend most of their time performing or acting to fulfill a role that they think others will find pleasing, instead of just letting themselves be who they are. They've learned through harsh circumstances or cultural cues perhaps that it's easier to fit into a mold that is acceptable, understandable, and simple to explain. I'm not meaning to target primarily people that never outgrew their high-school drama at this time, though, they may certainly be subject to this-  but about those who fundamentally see the world as something that decided at some point to cast upon them it's darkest shadow, and never again allow them to see the warmth of it's light in their true form. I wonder if such people have through time and experience
 lost some of the ability to really, truly, know who they are objectively, deep down at their core, away from all the culture, media, peers and pressures- which I find to be a deeply unsettling thought.

  Where does it all begin? Yes, people can be rude, brutally mean, and even cruel to one another. We can wound permanently with words, and turn deaf ears and eyes on things that should deserve our utmost attention and concern. Unfortunately, we really can devastate one another with the things we choose to say and do, or lack there of, sometimes.

But what about all the really good moments? What about the laughter of best friends, a mother's love and tenderness for her child, the goodness of a gentle breeze on a warm, sunny day? What about that stranger's not fake, but really, truly genuine greeting as you passed them on the sidewalk? At what point does a person experience so much of what feels like the world not loving them, that they are incapable of loving, knowing, accepting, and being themself in it?

I think our world has a sort of love-sickness going around. Not that the people that have it don't know that they are loved by someone, but that they view the general nature of the world at large to be always against them. That all the doors have been closed- that everything and everyone inherently and constantly has turned their back, and made their shoulders cold.

Please, open up.  Let yourself be warm and free.

 People can be cynical. People can be sarcastic and judge-mental. And oh yes, I have had plenty of experiences with that myself, believe me. My trust issues are innumerable, and my aches have deep roots.

But they can't keep you from being you.


 No,  it's just you doing that all by yourself.


And trust me, it's time to be free. It's so worth it. And it's much, much, better.


And, just as a side note, there actually are a lot of really great, really loving people in the world, and there really is so, so much opportunity, and so much potential. The world is not against you.  Sadly, you might just keep hearing the voices of the few people that you think are ( and even they might not be really), and have slipped into becoming one of them yourself.

Virtuousness, or lonliness? And wait, since when did I have a problem with being lonely??

Maybe someone can relate, I'm not sure.

I've had this really weird issue in my soul lately. I'm sure it's just a season.



         Maybe a newly married, newly moved away from most things I grew up with season?

I'll start by giving a little preface. I have always been a very independent person- enjoying doing things alone and in my own way, and not only enjoying, but often needing deeply to have my own space. Lots of it. Sometimes even several days of it.

I loved delving deep into my soul, where only God and myself resided, and resting, thinking, creating, and being. I spent a lot of time reflecting on who I was, who I thought God intended me to be, and what I should do about the difference.

I lived a fairly guarded life- I had many friends, many good friends, who I often shared deep parts of myself with, but most of whom, I also left veiled from ever being exposed wholly, to the deepest parts of my heart, of the deepest parts of who I was, when I delved into my own reality.

For me, I do not wish I had done things any different. I believe my motives were pure, and based on ideas that I still believe are true for me, for the type of person that I am.  For one, I felt my times spent with God were sacred, and that having exclusive time, just between myself and him, was essential for my own sense of identity and purpose in life, and for having a firm foundation, a sense of reliability and hope that could never be taken away from me. Not that I didn't share in spirituality with others in life, but that I definitely wanted there to be times when I could just be alone, with God, and with never having to share what happened in those times.

I think I ultimately saw this as a way of guarding my heart. A lot of things for me were about guarding my heart. I didn't want to share my deepest moments of who I was, and what my relationship with God was like, when I didn't know what they were going to do with such things.


So what's happening now?

In the last month or so, I have had this really strange anxiety. I have had it in small amounts before, and Add and I have talked about it and found ways to get over it, but lately it has felt completely overwhelming.

Here's the gist of it. I've been having this weird disabling fear of spending time along with God, because I am afraid I will feel truly alone- which, I am confused as to when that became a problem?

 I think somewhere in the whole being married thing, and fully exposing yourself to another person, and wanting them to really know you and be one with you, my pleasure of aloneness with God turned to fear of broken unification with Addison. This feeling that God will do something with me, that Addison can't be a part of. And somehow, now, that makes me fear that I will be terribly lonely.



Lastly, there's this thing of being fully honest and known by sharing my true feelings and thoughts, vs. censoring them. Obviously censoring is necessary as we are very broken people with broken emotions and thoughts, but sometimes I feel un-genuine if I hold my tongue, and just try to be patient, because then again, I feel like Addison won't really be knowing me.

A new kind of Fall- and some fairly average ponderings.

It is so beautiful outside here, right now, and often. I love that.  I'm currently sitting outside on a balcony at USC's campus while Add is in class. I love that, too. It is a beautiful and peaceful campus, especially in the evening.  A medium amount of breeze always makes me feel more alive and connected to God in a way in life, (well, most nature-y experiences do, but I especially like breezes, and trees, and leaves) and there is currently one whisping about.

I do love trees. Oh how I love them. I think I could hide beneath them, wrapped up in a blanket of grassy foliage, surrounded by trunks and with nothing to look up at but a canopy of leafy branches and be perfectly contentedly peaceful.

I find that I really can love a lot of things. I am good at finding a way to enjoy nearly anything.

I also find that I can be really frustrated. Sometimes I feel really trapped, and utterly hopeless. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so complex, if I am too complex, or if everyone is as multidimensional and confused.

I think I understand the over arching themes of my life and my general trajectory. But it's all the little things. It's all the small details- it's all the times I have been so convinced about my point of view about something one way, and then, perhaps a year or more later, I find myself completely sympathizing with the other point of view. It's all the times I can't forget certain things I have experienced, and can't figure out why, and all the times I have come across something that I had completely forgotten about in my past, that was an extremely huge deal to me at the time, and I wonder how it is possible that I am at all the same person that had that experience, because how could I not remember that?

So what is it to be human? What is the culmination of all these life experiences and the comings and goings of people- I have experienced so much of that, too- I can tell you years of my life based on the friends I had at the time. Sometimes it feels like the rotation of a revolving door- and like I am just standing watching it go round, and people get on it, and I see them for a moment when reach the opening where I am standing, but the don't get off there. Instead they go full circle and back out the way they came. It's fun and entertaining sometimes, and sometimes I like it because it keeps things fresh and new, and sometimes I don't even notice, or I just don't make anything significant of it.  But I don't like it, sometimes, too. Sometimes, I really just don't like it at all.

So I guess I'm just here thinking, and mulling, and being curious. I hope someone else does this. I hope someone else can relate. Cause really I find myself here a lot.  Anyone?

It's like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "

  I have been seeking purpose and trajectory in life for several years. Often it has been born out of a sense of guilt I think, as if there is no way God could possibly be pleased with me in current circumstances. And I hate that. To think the only person it really matters what they think of me, the one I should want  to please more than anything, sees me as a disappointment.

  I want to do something great. Not necessarily in the eyes of the world, but to feel that I'm living up to my potential and fully utilizing God's intentions and purposes for me. I've felt trapped from being able to do this for so, long. Like every time I get an idea or think I know what he would want me to do to please him there becomes a barrier, and no matter how hard I bang my fist, kick and clench my teeth, I'm stuck behind some formidable wall, staring up, wondering why I can't climb it. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not pray long enough? Was it really the wrong direction, because it's the only one I've been able to find for months!

  I've started thinking about all the things I do have to be doing, though. And have realized how incredibly unfaithful I can be even with those.  I mean, if I just poured myself into the different things I already have going on in my life, I would be so incredibly exhausted, and would be very glad to not have something more I needed to do, too. There are so many opportunities I can think of that God has laid out before me in the past that I totally and completely glossed over entirely. As I recognize them now, I can't even think of ways they could have been more obvious.

So I'm learning to be faithful with little. It really is like I've been telling God I want to climb a mountain, an he's like, " But you barely know how to walk! "

And yet at the same time, when I think about it, the "small things" that I already do have before me,   they really are not small things at all. And I feel very purposeful and life-full and excited at letting myself focus and work harder them.

So I think it's both. I think there are a lot of little things I could be so much more diligent with, and I'm very thankful to God for the realization of that. And I think there are a lot of things, that are not necessarily so small, that I already have going on and need to rejoice in and take up with pride and joy. I'm not called to be everything. And I'm not called to impress everyone. I'm simply called to do the work that is set out before me.

And I'm very pleased to say, that it is work I am very, very glad to be doing.